Apart from the odd few, most of us face situations where our husbands do not pull their weight and the majority of family commitments and household task falls unfairly into our laps. There are several ways to deal with a lazy husband to avoid the situation escalating into conflict but first you may find it useful to understand why your husband is not doing his fair share before working on how to address the balance.
Your husband’s fundamental needs
For some men, societal conditioning might lead them to make the assumption that gender roles dictate that housework is a female responsibility. Although you may see this as sexist, it is an easy presumption for men to fall into especially their mothers were responsible for running the home when they were growing up or if you have children as childcare is traditionally seen as a woman’s forte.
A common reason why husbands can be lazy is because the criteria men judge themselves on is different to women. One of the six fundamental needs of every human being is significance and for a man significance is often defined by their career, leading them to focus more on work than the home or spending more of their time building relationships with work colleagues over family commitments.
Another possible reason for the difference is that men tend to gain significance from their connection with friends so would prioritise socialising above helping out at home. Both these reasons result in the men in question feeling too exhausted at the end of the working day, feeling they have more important things to do at home than household tasks or even spending less time at home because of other perceived responsibilities.
Of the other six fundamental needs we all share, in addition to satisfying his need for significance outside of the home, a man may also prioritise his need for comfort above that of contributing and helping out. Comfort is a base instinct and as such manifests itself in self-centred behaviour from your husband that you will naturally consider as selfish or thoughtless.
All this can lead to frustration and resentment, but rather than allowing these negative feelings to unintentionally reinforce the pattern of your husband getting away with their bad behaviour just because you want to avoid conflict or think things can’t get any better.
Communication is key
One of the most effective ways to begin to reach a solution is to first accept that at some point you have allowed behaviour you find unacceptable to continue without clear communication to your partner that it is severely compromising your happiness, and therefore your connection to him. Communication is key to increasing and maintaining a positive romantic connection with your partner.
Upfront conversations are the foundation of good communication. If you want to gain the support of your husband without alienating him, you need to have clear and concise upfront conversations that are based on logic not emotions. Agree to make changes in both your behaviours and hold each other accountable.
Here are my five top tips to having successful upfront conversations:
Make him your hero
Men step up faster if they are not pushed but pulled towards a new way of being therefore it is important to make your husband feel needed by explaining that he needs to be your knight in shining armour who makes you feel valued and protected. In this way he can meet your needs and boost his ego at the same time.
Use humour to diffuse tension
Instead of reacting negatively to an action or comment that pushes your buttons, use humour to highlight an unhelpful behaviour and diffuse a potential argument. You will make it easier for changes in behaviour to happen by learning to laugh it off rather than taking things personally.
Set clear expectation.
You need to set clear expectations so that your husband knows what is acceptable and unacceptable. Men are goal-orientated and work best with specifics so make it clear that if you want him home at a specific time and he has to work late he should give you as much notice as possible and not at the last minute.
Clearly communicate your needs
Take one issue at a time and clearly explain your needs and how his behaviour makes you feel on that one issue. Keep things simple and don’t tackle all your issues in a single conversation. Change the subject at the end of this discussion so he knows you’ve moved on.
Explain things in his terms
It is best to communicate using language and examples he will understand that relate back to his work or interests. For example, you could explain that like his favourite football team, you both need to work as a team to get the best results.
Tackling your husband’s lazy behaviour might not seem like plain sailing at first but with the help of honest upfront communication and the right mindset you can navigate your way through your problems and work together as a team moving forward.
Sloan Sheridan-Williams
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